Birth Story #3: A Hard Labor

It was almost four months ago now. The birth of our son! His gender was a surprise. With two daughters already via my body, we leaned towards another daughter...but, low and behold, something was hanging off this babe that was new to us - this was a boy!

It was near a month of warm-up contractions. This was the longest I'd experienced warm-up contractions (sometimes referenced to as Braxton Hicks), and the week prior to birth they were more consistent...and of course with all of this warm-up, I hoped for a shorter labor when the time came, but I also knew, labor will be what labor will be. The body has already been wired for the task and it will go at the length that is best.

About 24 hours before active labor kicked in, I was in prodromal labor. It's the real warm up, the pre-workout stretches. I tend to have long prodromal labor, but this was the longest. In retrospect, it was probably because little man was not in an optimal birthing position. Unfortunately, this didn't dawn on me until later, so I didn't offer much assistance in doing exercises or positions to help our son rotate. Our son was positioned ROA (Right Occiput Anterior). This means he was engaged to the right of center when it's best and easiest if babe is slightly left of center, LOA (Left Occiput Anterior). Even though just a little shift would make baby LOA, babies usually will do a near full rotation making them posterior for a time (mom and baby are back to back, and that's painful!) until they arrive at LOA position.  This makes for some harder work for the laboring momma and baby...so, in this case - us! :)

Once prodromal labor started I was getting excited, figuring a baby was coming that night or the next day...but, no. I slept through most of the night with a few contractions, but the next morning they did pick up again yet after a few hours they slowed down again. I had a pedicure scheduled for myself that morning (42 week pregnant women can't come close to touching their toes), so I got a pedicure and an unplanned mini manicure because the gal had some extra time. My husband was out with one of our girls, the other was at preschool, and at our home was a gal cleaning the house for us - a gift from some dear friends (four weeks of house cleaning - best gift ever!!!). All this pampering, early contractions, and a clean home to return to was making me feel like it was going to be a birthday...but again, no. I was disappointed and wondering "how much longer?"...but I had to stop the negative feelings and embrace this time for what it is, and that it is good and best.

Earlier that week I had had a prenatal appointment, and my midwife said near the beginning of the appointment "You don't seem yourself...what's going on?" I shared with her I thought I'd have a baby by now and I was feeling disappointed and frustrated...I was really tired of being pregnant, and I had actually been praying for a specific birth date (which was the day of my appointment), but alas I had no signs of a coming labor. She asked me if I had cried yet, a "release" cry...where I let all expectations go and get all my hangups out in a good therapeutic cry. I hadn't done so, and she encouraged me to. She also encouraged me to read the birth stories in Ina May's Guide To Childbirth book, as well as get on YouTube and watch some birth videos. My midwife, she's a gem. Compassionate and understanding, supportive and a heart listener. I left encouraged and with some homework to do. It was all so helpful.

So the night of my pedicure, manicure and house cleaning, I went to bed. I rested, but the contractions were stronger when I was laying down, and they were to the point I couldn't sleep. After an hour or so of laying there (my husband next to me zzzing), I knew labor was here...though my contractions were hard and averaging every 6-9 minutes (though sometimes they would be a few minutes apart or even 12 minutes apart), I hadn't felt that "switch" over yet to active, but I figured it was near. I went downstairs as my husband and eldest daughter slept (our youngest was with my parents), lit some candles, did some things around the house between contractions...I labored alone for an hour or so, mostly leaning up against a wall or on my hands and knees (I HATE contractions sitting down or laying down, you will not find me in these positions!)...I felt the need to call my midwife with my sporadic yet strong contractions. She asked if my doula was there, and if I didn't want to be alone then to have my doula come.  The midwife was not going to come until she thought I was in active labor. I didn't want to wake my husband from sleep, but I wanted someone with me.  I called my doula and she was all ready to go. She came over and I didn't regret my decision for her to come. I realized once she arrived I needed her company - her educated and womanly thoughts, comfort, support, and friendship.

After about an hour of her being there, she thought it was time to fill up the birth pool. My husband had aired it up hours ago before bed. I woke him up from his few hours of sleep and he got to it. He made me a "labor aid" drink (fresh squeezed oranges, lemon, tablespoon of honey and sea salt), filled up stock pots to heat up more water, got food and snacks out (provided by my Grammy!) for birth attendants, and did other things I don't know of because active labor was upon me. I had to get in touch with my inner lioness once again, remembering how to loosen the jaw and almost relax into a contraction with some low groans.  Some nausea was also settling in with the stronger contractions, but I thankfully never threw up.

My midwife and her apprentice were on their way. My two girlfriends were on their way too. When the apprentice arrived, she felt my belly and noticed baby was ROA, so we learned of why the hard, irregular contractions...baby was trying to turn. She instructed me to do some lunge positions during contractions and continue on hands and knees, too. Wow, talk about painful. I'm sure it wasn't comfortable for sweet baby boy, either. We were both working really hard to help him get in good position for birth. His turning during contractions was near suffering...but the most difficult of our mountain climbing we hadn't arrived at yet.

Though labor can be incredibly difficult, I am so thankful to feel it, to experience it. My baby is in labor too, working hard, pursuing exit - pursing me and his daddy, and we find each other in the labor, in the work....it is absolutely a bonding experience. It is a partnering together.  A lifelong memory I will always hold with him. Thankfully, the good Lord gave us some amazing pain-coping hormones and that love hormone of oxytocin is increasing more and more as our face to face encounter draws nearer.

My midwife (who has wisdom and experience and understanding and intuition beyond anyone I have yet to meet in the medical field of pregnancy, birth and babies) instructed me to get into the shower. She said she doesn't know why, but the hot shower spray on the lower back encourages baby to get into position...and she was right!  My husband, our doula and I headed to the bathroom. My husband turned on the shower and the doula left the bathroom to give us a private moment together.  I remember feeling the difference of my husband's counter-pressure on my lower back, his hands were bigger and stronger than our doula's, and the difference felt good in the moment. I got in the shower and began to feel very painful contractions because at the same time I felt baby boy moving.  And when I say very painful, I mean VERY PAINFUL. I, actually, remember thinking there in the shower "my last labor was a breeze" compared to this labor. I got out of the shower and upon exiting an incredibly strong contraction came alongside the baby still moving into position...my uterus contracted, the baby rotated....and this was the loooongest contraction I had ever experienced. My husband stopped giving me counterpressure and massage about halfway through because he thought surely the contraction was over, but I yelled out "What are you doing?! Don't stop!". And then it happened during that long contraction, our son arrived to optimal position - and all of a sudden I felt the feeling to push!!

Now minutes before I got in the shower, I had asked the apprentice to give me a vaginal check to see how dilated I was. This was the first time in my pregnancy and labor for me to be vaginally checked. I'm not a fan of it because for me, it's not worth the emotional effect it has on me - the answer will either encourage me or discourage me. How dilated you are or the cervix effacement just doesn't really mean much (or at least how much focus we put on them) because everyone's bodies vary, circumstances vary, etc.  So the apprentice vaginally checked me and I told her I wasn't sure if I wanted to know how "far along" I was because I was nervous about the answer. I had worked so hard already and wanted to hear I was 9cm along, but intuitively I knew I was not that far along.  At my request, she told me I was 5cm and yes, I was disappointed. I was discouraged because I had worked so so hard already, and to think I was only halfway there was almost unimaginable to me. BUT I got in that shower minutes later and after just 20 minutes or so in the shower, I got out, had that super long contraction, and I was ready to push!! In maybe 30 minutes, I had dilated 4 or 5cm.

I got into the birth pool, rested and pushed, rested and pushed several times. It was such an awesome time! In between a contraction I looked at my husband with expectant joy "We're about to find out if we have a son or daughter!" I reached down between another pushing contraction to feel baby's head, but I just felt what felt like a balloon - my water hadn't broke yet, but it was soon to!  In case you're wondering when the best time is for a woman's water to break, it's really best that it breaks naturally during the pushing stage, though few babies are actually delivered in the bag of waters. The bag of waters acts as padding (an extra comfort) for the baby and the mother during contractions. My water broke during one of my last pushes. Before the final push, my midwife checked for the umbilical cord around baby's neck and had already announced a full head of dark hair, too.

My husband got into the pool, I gave baby all I had and pushed his body into my husband's hands. My husband lifted baby out of the water before me and I saw baby's parts and announced loudly "A boy!!!" My oxytocin levels skyrocketed and I was in euphoric baby bliss. I praised my God aloud again and again who had carried me through and delivered me once again, and I spoke aloud my thanksgiving and declared my affection for my son over and over. If anyone was to know they were deeply loved with a strong unwavering passion and affection, my son surely experienced it in this moment!

The moments after my children's births, particularly my homebirths because of the freedom and comfort of home and only individuals present who I personally know, will always be some of my most vivid and experientially memorable experiences. God made this so because a woman's hormones heighten her memory during this time.

My friend (who was present for my birth) had given me a word when she was praying for me a week prior, she told me God told her to tell me that he is with me in the push. It was encouraging to hear because pushing for me in past births has been the most difficult part for me, and God knew this. During labor the body does the work and you breathe through the pain, but pushing is when you have to push into the pain and that takes focus and determination.  And so there hammered to the wooden beam by the birth pool in our living room I hung a sign so I would see it during pushing stage: GOD IS WITH YOU IN THE PUSH. I thought of these words as I pushed with all my strength, leaning into this truth - God was with me.

Thank you for taking the time to read our birth story. I look at my son as such a rockstar knowing he did a near 360 degree rotation during labor in the midst of a contracting uterus!  HOW AMAZING IS MY SON?!?! And we did it together. It is such a precious experience with him in my heart and memory. I'll always remember those hours of labor with him, both of us working so hard together to meet one another.

Would I have changed my labor for an easier one or would I now? Absolutely not. Oh, the journey. It's all about the journey. 

My Back Porch, Moonlit Birth

It's true. Under the clear night sky on a warm spring night, I did a glorious thing - I gave birth to our sweet baby girl. My husband, smelling of patchouli (one of my fav scents on him), sipped a beer and with the other hand held my hand tight, kissing the top of my head and speaking encouragement when it seemed right. My other hand was held by my doula (I always recommend a doula!), massaging my lower back during those last contractions and coaching me how to breath when it came time to push.

My view was a half moon and a backdrop of stars.  It was beautiful.

Also present was my legendary midwife, her apprentice, my aunt who is more like my big sister, taking pictures and video, and another friend of mine who has had four homebirths and equally ecstatic about childbirth as I am (she also brought a table full of food - fruits and veggies, homemade pizza, soup, all kinds of gluten free treats, lettuce wraps, a bowl of m&ms, and of course birthday cake!).

They all arrived for the last couple hours of my labor and delivery, and all hung out for the after party as well.

My labor was about 24 hours total. The first 22 hours it was just me and my husband mostly. We took walks, got it on (cause hey, it's gonna be awhile!), watched a couple shows of Parks and Recreation (our current Netflix season at the time), ate some of the table-full of food my girlfriend brought, and just hungout. It felt like a really long day.

My doula had come the night before when I started to have contractions to be my friend while my husband worked (he works nights). While I slept, she wrote a song for me which she played/sang for me the hour after baby girl was born. My doula was and is awesome.

Having amazing womanly support around me was just as it should be, at least for me. The month prior to my birth, these gals came over to my home and prayed with me/for me and over my home, my family and birth to be. It was so special. I was so looking forward to having these strong women at my birth to cheer me on and support me during this treasured time.

My labor was slow for the first 18 hours. My contractions were 30-45 minutes for most of that time then down to 20 minutes apart mid afternoon of baby's birthday.

I was having an emotional afternoon. I missed my firstborn who was with my mother and I felt like I was disappointing people (like family, my birth attendants, even my husband) with my slow progression and I was also bummed that things were moving slowly - I had presumed I'd have a shorter labor this time around, but that was not the case.

I talked to my four-homebirths-girlfriend on the phone and told her how I was feeling.  She encouraged me to speak out (after I got off the phone with her) all that was bothering me, all that was making me emotional, and let it go. She also spoke to my heart and mind to embrace this labor for what it is because it is beautiful and special. She reminded me that this little babe I was carrying was so much different than babe #1, so this labor will be different as well - to not compare them. She encouraged me to let it remind me how unique and special this little girl is, and be joyful about her coming at her own pace with my body. Revel in this labor for what it is (special! unique!), and bond with my little babe.

It was just what I needed to hear and after I hung-up with my girlfriend, I spoke out all that was getting me down and asked Jesus to fill me with truth and peace and joy. He did! :)

My mom and sister came over with my niece and my daughter to give us some company, make me laugh and I needed kisses and hugs from my little girl. They hung out an hour and upon their leaving, my contractions jumped up to seven minutes apart!

I called the midwife and things started moving.  My husband aired up the birth tub on the back porch and began filling it with water.  My doula and aunt showed up, then my midwife and her apprentice.

At that point my contractions were just a few minutes apart. I could feel baby coming down.

I absolutely cannot sit down nor lay down during a contraction. I think the pain turns times two! I've gotta be standing up.  It just makes sense too with a baby coming down through your body, right? I gripped the bricks on our fireplace those last couple hours of labor. My doula was so good to me, rubbing my lower back (I have hefty back labor) and she just being beside me was a comfort to me.

My husband was busy filling up the tub. The hot water did run out so they were boiling water on the stove and pouring it in the tub, ha! It was a funny sight to see the gals and my husband back and forth from the kitchen, carrying pots of water to the tub.

There was a chance I'd be delivering baby girl inside, but at just the right time the tub was filled and the water at just the right temperature for me and baby girl.

I got in the birth tub in-between a contraction. I was complete, transition closed, my body rested before pushing stage, then it was upon me - time to push!

This is the hardest part for me. I can do contractions fine because there is that gracious time in between contractions to rest, feel normal, have a laugh, eat a cookie (I have a friend who calls it Christmas morning, ha!). And really during contractions your body is doing most of the actual physical work. As the woman in labor your job is mostly mental - focusing, breathing, letting your body do what it has been instructed to do. It's actually a bit enjoyable for me, the feeling of baby coming down is incredible. I am in awe of the process as I'm experiencing it.

But now pushing is the hard work.  It's where I grunt and yell and feel like I am having the most gigantic poo of my life. Fortunately, we live on eight acres in fine country land and our neighbors' homes are far enough away to hopefully not hear my primal sounds, or perhaps they thought it was a deer delivering triplets in the woods. :)

My midwife and doula instructed me in pushing and breathing.  At one point, I let baby girl's head sit there to stretch my perineum - this was my midwife's instruction, of course. She was trying to prevent me from tearing down there and allowing baby to come out steady and not quickly.  I had to breathe quick breaths during that time, and my midwife said "You're basically breathing her out right now...". I wasn't sure whether to believe her or not, at the time.

My midwife encouraged me to feel her head which I wasn't inclined to do, but she asked me a second time and so I did. I'm glad I did, I still remember that squishy feeling of her exiting head. So amazing.

I remember during delivery thinking "I'm too old for this." You may hear from others and in my experience twice now it's been true, just when you think you can't go any further, your baby is almost in your arms. Just keep on for a bit longer, and you will receive your reward.

Before that final push after my midwife checked for the umbilical cord, Ryan left my side to "catch" baby girl. I gave that final push and baby girl was caught in her Daddy's embrace and given to me.

Her warm wet body on mine, I can recall the feeling like it was minutes ago.  The endorphins and happy hormones flew through my body in that moment. I remember the rush of what I could say was physical joy moving through my body.

I did it. We did it.  Baby girl and I worked hard together. We conquered labor and delivery, and received our prize - each other. It is an incredible moment.

I so wish for every pregnant woman to have such an experience, though I know for some they physically can't and I'm so thankful for hospitals and doctors trained for those specific situations when the body is not doing as it should.

After baby girl was born, we enjoyed her. I delivered the placenta maybe 15 minutes after. The placenta was put in a bowl I bought just for the placenta at Target (how many bowls do they have bought for placentas, I wonder?). With baby in arms, I got out of the birth tub with support of my husband and the women.  We walked indoors to my recovery room.  We let the placenta drain completely (about an hour) so baby girl received all of those wonderful stem cells and nutrients.

She nursed on her own about 45 minutes after birth.  It was so funny.  She was rooting around, so I gave her a little help by bringing her up to my breast.  She then lifted her head back (strong newborn!) and with a mouth wide open planted herself perfectly on the nipple. I laughed. She nursed.

Now if you know me, you know I love a good party. And that is exactly what this was.  The gals, my husband and I, talked, ate, laughed, celebrated.  My husband made coffee for him and the gals, and we all shared in our little girl's first birthday cake.  Delicious! My doula sang the song she wrote for me the night before on her guitar.  And we drank in this glorious night of our baby's birth.

All was precious, and remains so very close to me now.

An Ancient Urging

A few weeks ago I was driving in the car by myself somewhere (love to drive by myself now that I’m a stay-at-home mama – it just doesn't happen very often and oh, it’s a treat!)…and I was talking to God about something that’s been bothering me.  I was asking God how I can be a better American citizen.  “I want to be God, but I don’t know how to be.”

I am not gun-ho about politics or government or politicians.  Most of the time when I overhear a conversation or watch the news on the world of politics, I am annoyed, confused, ignorant or indifferent to whatever it is.  I am not well educated on many government happenings as I am not an avid news reader/viewer, but to me also (part of the reason for my non-interest) there is a lot of mumbo jumbo talk when often I feel like we’re missing the heart of an issue or what’s really happening (media, don’t you mess with me!)…or we’re being quick to make talk or judgments, quick to become angry on the subject (or person) and not quick to listen to the other or the other side, or sit back and think outside of our normal thinking…though this is not the case for everyone nor every conversation nor every new news on the news.  And I am so thankful for those who model patience and gentleness within their passion and they listen and attempt understanding before they attempt jumping to say what they initially want to say.  I personally have a hard time with this myself, and so for those who don’t walk the walk I often walk, I just want to shake your hand and bake you cookies - thank you!

Okay, so back to this talking to God about what I can do to be a better American citizen.  I want to say that I am a faithful voter at every election.  I try to educate myself as best I can about issues on the ballot and candidates running or re-running, but I want to do more than that.  I want to be ahead of all of that. I don’t want to be told what the issues are or which candidate options I have. I want to have influence more than a check on the ballot. I want to have impact, make impact, see love grow up in our government officials and systems and plans, local and federal….but how? (And oy, the fed is so big and I am so small – how can I have any sort of impact there???)

Sometimes I just want to stick to my little checks on the ballot (Though those checks are so important! A blessed freedom, people!  Ask someone not allowed to vote in their country.)…and stay out of all the political talk that can give me a headache and make me say “blah!” to any engagement or desire to influence or shape government.

But you know what ladies? We’ve got to! We’ve got to lead, we’ve got to have influence. We’ve got to have impact and bring shape to our government.   There are nations of people who live – because of their government - in great oppression, in little freedoms, in little opportunity, in little little of little. There is no “liberty and justice for all”.  That alone is a reason we need to be involved in voting and caring about what our government is doing, the decisions they are making, why they are making them, etc.

So my prayer to God “I want to be, but I don’t know how to be” is the honest truth.  I don’t know where to start. And what did God who has been around forever tell me?  1 Timothy 2, he said.  And there I went. To the Bible. God’s words. And what did I find?? Oh, it’s good. So good. An ancient urging. Please read.

“I urge you, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people – for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness.  This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth.” 1 Timothy 2:1-4

Bam! There it is, ladies. Where we can start and where we can continue…always.  Prayer.  This ancient urging to pray for those in authority. Why do I do it? Because I want people to come to a knowledge of the truth that sets them free.  I want people to come into relationship with Jesus, to get clobbered by his crazy personal love for them.  I believe he is the cry of the human heart, the hope we desire, whether we are aware of him or not, or have faith in him or not.  "God our Savior" isn't a side note. He is Savior! If you have known and have experienced God's rescue then you too also want everyone in the world to know it - to experience his healing, his freedom, his forgiveness, his redemption. If God says praying for those in authority is a way for everyone to know truth then yes - I will do it!  And living lives in peace and quiet in godliness and holiness sounds really nice, as well.  Yes I'll pray for those in authority for that too.

This is where I have been, almost every day since…praying for those in authority, locally and nationally.  And simply by praying for them and bringing them to God through me each day, I’m giving a listening ear to God to speak to me and open opportunities for my prayers to have feet.

To the left of our bathroom mirror I have ticky-tacked to the wall 1 Timothy 2:1-4 and underneath it written “Pray for those in authority today.”  And I’ve been doing it.  And I know my prayers have power.  I know I am having influence.  While I’m brushing my teeth or while I’m putting on makeup or giving my daughter a bath or I’m on the john….I am praying for those in authority…bringing them to the Father – the owner of the Earth and everything in it, asking him to shape their thinking today, to lead their decisions, for them to experience their need of his guidance and help.  Some days a specific petition for someone locally or nationally is on my heart, and I pray.  This is how I am becoming a better American citizen.

I just wanted to pass on to you what I've recently reckoned is an I AM WOMAN trait, and one I want to encourage you in...this ancient urging, 2 Timothy 2:1-4.

This Morning

Some mornings (like this morning), I think it'd be nice if our only child, an 11-month-old bringer of joy, would take a few hours or more-long nap...ha! :) (This is unlikely as it's usually only about an hour.) Then I could read a book (currently reading Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning and just LOVEing it! Oh, it is good good good. Please read.) and sip my coffee and eat a pumpkin muffin, and fold a few loads of laundry, and pick up the messes she made before she took her nap (she is into emptying every basket/cupboard/box right now - I think her exploring is good, so I let her go at it!), and write here on my blog, and hmm...maybe do something crafty (I have a list of things I want to do....some sewing, some mod-podging, refresh my memory on knitting, organize photos into an album...). Yes, that would be nice somedays, eh? But, the truth is, she is about to wake up soon. Soon. Sometimes I'm rushing to get things done before I think she might wake up.  I will take it slow and easy the first half hour then the last half hour boom, boom, boom...I'm getting as much done as I can squeeze in! I, admit, the feeling of accomplishment over the household chores feels good...and it looks good. I like when loads of laundry aren't making my living room look like a room used as a giant laundry basket anymore. :)

So, I've been thinking of a few things to write about lately. Um...One, is how my husband and I are growing in and experiencing (after a long stale season) our sonship and daughtership in God more than we ever have in our adult lives (and I want to share how we are discovering this inner work of the Holy Spirit the last two years, especially); Two, how I have been arising to be a fighter (hmm)...a fighter for what is best in this place called the world where horrible things happen...a fighter to bring my Father's heavenly home to earth, and hearing Jesus' prayer in my mind's ear "Your Kingdom come, your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven" with a deep, fierce passion; Three, something I just wanted to share this morning as I was outside with my 11-month-old beauty queen, and here it is...

I love the surroundings of trees, animals, plants, sky, clouds, sunshine, moon, stars, rainbows, etc. that I get to live in everyday. And that you get to live in everyday.  This morning, my daughter and I were outside watching a half dozen squirrels scurry about the yard (which is covered in gorgeous confetti leaves thanks to the tall trees above and God's great idea of "Fall"), gathering nuts for the coming winter. We were in wonder. My daughter stared these squirrels down. How peculiar, I imagine she wondered, like Alice arriving in Wonderland.

(I also love when a whisk of wind goes by us, she looks all around, wondering where this invisible sight and feeling comes from and where it could be going.)

Earlier this week, I was on a walk and my breath was literally taken away and my mind unable to comprehend the beauty of the color of the leaves about us, falling around us, the smell in the air, the coolness of the day and how it felt on my face, the sun's warm rays finding room to reach us through the trees branches, etc. It was just amazing. I knew I was made for this. And I was filled with thanksgiving and joy (I could've danced and shouted right there! - and I kinda did a toned down version) for the glorious environment my Papa God has made for me, has given me, to have rhythm with....and for me to tell myself in that moment that this is just a fringe of my Father's creativity, I was ecstatic and overwhelmed.  This priveleged, beautiful planet (perfectly tilted at 23 degrees producing our seasons, weighing an estimated six sextillion pounds, and spinning me around on it's invisible axis more than thousand miles an hour) tells me "OH, I AM THOUGHT OF! CARED FOR! LOVED!!!"

One more wonderful thing that happened at the zoo earlier this week. (Side note: I am thankful for zoos in that I get to see really cool animals with my own eyes, but I am also so saddened too...I want the singing dogs to have miles to run, not small spaces to pace over and over.).  So the wonderful thing? The polar bear. The polar bear! Oh, the polar bear. He/she was amazing us over and over.  She was swimming around and around her pool, pushing off the glass to do the back stroke. It was soooooooo cool!! Among the 20 or so people watching, I was the loudest with my "Wow! Oh my goodness! So amazing!" and laughter bursts of joy as I watched that big white polar bear push off the glass and swim round and round.  My daughter was also squealing and clapping her hands!  YES, WE PRAISE YOU, GOD!! WONDERFUL ARE YOUR WORKS!!

Simply Beautiful.

Ripening cherry tomatoes from our garden, ripening on our kitchen table this week.  I find myself accidentally stopping and staring at their color and changing color everyday, marveling at this wonder of ripening fruit. Simply beautiful. Ripening on what the Greeks call "kairos" time.

A Place Called Simplicity

"And after long years of spiritual homelessness, of nostalgia, here is that mystic loveliness of childhood again. Here is home. An old thread, long tangled, comes straight again."-Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

The title of my post? It's the title of a book I am currently reading. And in my opinion, so far, an excellent book.  A book I am having a hard time putting down. A book I can't wait to curl up on the couch with and read while my daughter naps. Ooo, it's been a long time since I've read such a book- a non-novel book, that is- that is speaking my heart language.  A book I am recommending to you, my I AM WOMAN reader!

The author is Claire Cloninger. She is an engaging writer, a good storyteller, gives a balanced view of "real life" and the possibility of simplicity, as well as how to practically go about simplifying your life - decision-making, time, home, family, work, money, etc.  She offers a variety of suggestions and inspiring philosophies for simple living. The book is a couple decades old. And how did I find such a book? The book actually found me. My mom's best friend had this book, given to her by my most incredible renassiance woman grandma who is in heaven now.  Inside the flap, there is my grandmother's name in cursive. Her beautiful handwriting.  On a recent visit home, my mom's friend gave me this book....and oh happy day, I am very thankful this book has found me.

I reckon this book's assignment to find me through my mom's girlfriend might have been orchestrated by the one who loves me most.  My Father (God) knows me. He knows the simplicity I desire to live my life in, the simplicity I want my family to discover and grow in together, the simplicity I desire to invite fellow human BEings into, and the simplicity he himself has put into my dna from the very beginning with my (and our) first ancestors, Adam and Eve. Those first human children of God who knew who they were, their identity settled.  They knew who was in charge and where they stood with the one in charge - they were perfectly loved and trusted. Boundaries were clear. Trust was central. Freedom was constant. It was SIMPLE. Life in a garden. Learning. Growing. Seeing. Sharing. Creating. Adventuring. Resting. Discovering. Reflecting. Living. They knew an unbroken relationship with their maker, each other and the life, rhythm and movement of the priveleged planet around them.

Turn on the evening news and it's obvious we do not live in that garden anymore.  We are far from it.  A world now full of complexity and confusion. Though this is the world we know of and some of us have been tragically and directly affected by (such a world), there is a strange yet familiar longing inside us for a place called simplicity, where we know who we are, where the one leading is perfectly good and he/she connects with our hearts and understands our needs and does what's best for us, where there is trust and peace, understanding and rest, and joy and laughter that gives your abdominal muscles a workout.  We find ourselves homesick for something we've never known or seen, yet every once in awhile it bubbles up to the surface of our hearts and pictures and ideas of it dance in our minds...and we miss it.  We want to go there, eventhough we've never been there. Some of us  feel like we touch a bit of that place when we remember moments in childhood where we were creative and free, perhaps in a backyard treehouse, collecting nuts for our pretend soup and later falling asleep (just because we were tired) to the sound of the wind blowing through the tree tops and squirrels  being curious on limbs above us (though not in Hawaii, they don't have squirrels in Hawaii) to awaken to the smell of mom's or grandmom's cooking coming through the window screens to our outdoor castle.

So is it possible? That place called Simplicity?  Claire Cloninger thinks so. And me too.  My husband and I have been on this journey of discovering Simplicity this last year.  It's been disorienting, challenging and at times frustrating.  Doesn't sound like Simplicity should be those three adjectives, eh?  But it was at first.  We fought it - Simplicity, that is - for awhile.  Prior to this Simplicity journey, our lifestyle had put simple living somewhat out of reach and our cultural minds told us that simple living was for  our younger days and now we are adults, newly-married and soon-to-be parents - the craziness is yet to begin!  But nevertheless, we went after it.  We felt forced to in someways (like having our first child - life has to slow down) and in other ways we felt invited (like observing Jesus'  unique kind of living in the biographies of John, Matthew, Luke and Mark, and a desire for Simplicity was bubbling to the surface of our hearts more and more).  My most favorite story among those biographies of Jesus' life in Israel is in John 21 when he, after coming back to life (from being dead), builds a fire and cooks breakfast for his friends   along a beach.  Sitting on the sand, leaning up against a rock, enjoying some fire-roasted fish and freshly baked bread, reflecting on the last few weeks  and years and having the kind of conversation only the dearest of friends can have.

So, all of that to say...If you're looking for a place called Simplicity or you are living it and want some inspiration or practical suggestions/tools to maintain this place, find this book by Claire Cloninger somewhere for a little help.

Read with me! And let's chat.

A Few of My Favorite Fall Recipes Under 30 Minutes....and they are goooood!!

Alright, seriously, these recipes are so good. So good that I could probably rotate between the soup, bisque and lasagna as all I eat throughout the Fall and be so happy about my decision in the end that I'd do the same thing next Fall. :) Okay, well maybe that's pushing it, but these recipes are great...Reasons? Tasty. Healthy. Homemade. Low money cost. Under 30 minutes of hands on time. Yummy Fall fruits and veggies included. And anyone who sees and tastes your work will be thoroughly impressed! Hooray!

Okay, so here they are: Black Bean Soup (with Soda Bread), Apple Cake (with a browned butter frosting...mmm!), Butternut Squash Bisque, Pumpkin Muffins (no butter or oil), Eggplant Parmesan Lasagna (with easy semi-homemade garlic bread)

BLACK BEAN SOUP (an amazing, low-cost meal of soup and bread to stun your friends, and under 30 minutes!)

This calls for you to have fun, and make up your own recipe.  Here is my made up recipe you can use as a guide to make up yours.

(Feeds and fills four adults, I'd say.)

6-10 slices of bacon, depends on how many slices you have on hand & how bacony you want it
1 large onion, chopped
5-6 garlic cloves chopped/minced, I have jarred chopped garlic - I do about 5 small scoops
2 cups of chicken broth/stock
1-2 tablespoons of ketchup, to taste
1-2 tablespoons of BBQ sauce (we have Jack Stack), to taste
some chili powder
some cumin
4 cans of black beans, drained but not rinsed (.89/can at Trader Joes!)
Salt and freshly ground pepper

Additions/Substitutes: Add tomatoes (freshly chopped or canned) and/or green or red pepper for taste and color, and you can substitue great northern beans or navy beans if you don't have enough cans of black beans (I've done half and half before)

Fry bacon in large skillet or big pot. Set aside on papertowel. (Or you could cut up bacon into small pieces before frying and leave them in the pan). Put onion in bacon fat in pan. Cut up bacon into small pieces and add back to pot. Once onions translucent, add garlic. When you can smell the garlic, add broth, ketchup, bbq sauce, chili powder, cumin, and tomatoes and/or peppers if you are using. Stir in the beans, and bring to a boil. Adjust heat so soup is bubbling, but not boiling, for ten minutes. Season with salt and pepper.

Meanwhile, prepare toppings! Cilantro, wash it and chop it. Shredded cheese. Sour Cream.

For a thicker, creamy soup (which I really like!) put half of soup in blender or food processor and pulse a few times for a chunky puree.  Pour back into pot, stir and serve with toppings.


IRISH SODA BREAD (great with soup, and no yeast involved so no rise time! Get in the oven before beginning soup) original recipe from Love Food soup cookbook

Preheat oven to 450 degrees F.  Dust a cookie sheet with flour.

2 cups all purpose flour
2 cups whole wheat flour
1.5 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons brown sugar
1 3/4 cup buttermilk (I never have buttermilk on hand, so pour milk into a tablespoon or so of vinegar or lemon juice and let it sit for 5 minutes - a buttermilk substitute)

Sift flour, baking soda, and salt into a bowl together. Add sugar. Make a well, pour in buttermilk slowly - you want it soft, but not too wet or sticky. Turn dough onto a well floured surface (sometimes I use wax paper for easy clean up) and knead very briefly into a large circle, 2 inches thick.

Put onto flour dusted cookie sheet. Cut a deep cross into loaf, sprinkle with flour, and into the oven for 22-25 minutes, or until loaf sounds hollow when tapped on the bottom.  Transfer to wire rack.


FRESH APPLE CAKE

I'm going to leave you with the link to the recipe on Southern Living's website.

My adjustments: HALF the sugar.  I also used red Gala apples because I did not have Granny Smiths, and walnuts because I did not have pecans. I didn't have enough walnuts to put into batter (and I have some nut allergy friends), so I just put them on top of frosting. The browned-butter frosting is sooooo delicious. You must use it.  The toasted walnut/pecan on top is also such a good added taste and crunch as well.  This is very apple-y!

Recipe: http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/fresh-apple-cake-10000002012760/


BUTTERNUT SQUASH BISQUE

(Feeds and fills 3-4 adults, I'd say)

I get a butternut squash at our farmer's market each weekend for a dollar and a quarter, so that makes this dish very low-cost!  We actually had this last night.  I served the bisque with a simple spinach & strawberry salad sprinkled with shredded mozzarella cheese and apple cinnamon muffins.

I also sprinkled the bisque with nutmeg before serving.

Recipe: http://www.oprah.com/food/Butternut-Squash-Bisque

PUMPKIN MUFFINS (a healthier version)

For these, I roasted a pumpkin and made my own pumpkin puree. I bought a pie pumpkin at Trader Joe's for $1.69.  After cutting off the top, I cut it in quarters and put in a preheated 350 degree F oven for 50 minutesish. The peel comes off pretty easy, but have a knife handy for scraping.  Put in blender or food processor with a bit of water and pulse - fresh pumpkin puree!

My changes to recipe below: I used all purpose flour (unbleached, whole grain) for all of flour because I didn't have whole wheat flour. I don't have cloves. I HALFED the sugar - I always do this for muffin recipes. I used a whole fat greek yogurt. And I didn't put in the raisins - sounded weird; in my mind's taste, pumpkin and golden raisins didn't mesh well together. I also sprinkled cinnamon & sugar on top before baking. Mmmmm, they were sooooo good! Makes 12 regular size muffins.

Recipe: http://www.cdkitchen.com/recipes/recs/1219/Healthy-Pumpkin-Muffins87167.shtml


EGGPLANT PARMESAN LASAGNA (sooooo good, yum yum!) original recipe from Rachael Ray

Feed and fills four adults, I reckon. Plan ahead on this dish! Eggplant will need to be baked for 30 minutes or so before lasagna layering. Once eggplant baked, you will layer lasagna and put dish in oven for 40 minutes. So plan on at least 1.5 hours or so before dinner to begin this dish.

Ingredients:
olive oil
1 large eggplant (we get ours at the farmer's market for a dollar!)
garlic (chopped/minced/smashed - however you like your garlic!)
28 oz. can of diced tomatoes (or fresh)
salt and pepper
6 no-boil lasagna noodles (I use whole grain)
8 ounces(ish) of cottage cheese
1 egg
1/4 cup grated parmesan cheese, and some for sprinkling
6 ounces(ish) of mozzarella cheese

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. Cut eggplant into 1/3 inch thick slices. Drizzle olive oil onto parchment paper and coat eggplant slices in oil on baking sheet. Arrange in single layer and bake for 30 minutes or so, until lightly browned.

While eggplant in oven, in a large deep skillet, heat some olive oil over medium heat, adding a couple scoops of garlic (I confess I used the jarred kind, I just don't like my fingers smelling garlicy all night!). After a couple minutes, add tomatoes. Bring to a boil then lower heat and cook, partially covered, stirring occasionally until sauce thickens, about 20 minutes(ish). Add salt and pepper.

Line an 8x11 or 9x9 baking dish (I used glass) with parchment paper. Overhang is okay.

In a blender or food processor, puree the cottage cheese (I used a little more than half a 16 oz. tub). Add egg and 1/4 cup parmesan, and some salt and pepper. Pulse to combine.

Layers!
Spread third of tomato sauce on bottom of dish.
Three noodles.
Half of cottage cheese mixture.
Half of eggplant slices.
Third of mozzarella.
Tomato sauce.
Rest of noodles.
Rest of cottage cheese mix.
Rest of eggplant.
Third of Mozzarella. (Save rest for sprinkle at end)
Tomato sauce

Cover dish tightly with foil, place on a baking sheet and bake for 35 minutes. After 35 minutes, remove foil and sprinkle rest of mozzarella and some parmesan on lasagna. Bake for 8-10 minutes more, until bubbly. Let cool for a bit then serve!

 GARLIC BREAD (semi-homemade using sandwich sliced loaf bread) :)

For four slices of sandwich bread. Preheat oven to 350 F (or keep at 400 if you are making lasagna above). Mix a couple teaspoons of garlic (2 cloves minced) and some dried or fresh parsley in with a 1/4 cup of softened butter.  Spread on bread slices.  Put in oven for 10 minutes then broil for a minute or two until lightly browned. Ta-da, garlic bread!